guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
