You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
