u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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