Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
