My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
