She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
