My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
