if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
