when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
