I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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