I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
