woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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