Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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