You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
