During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
