haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We smell like vodka and hangover
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