No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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