I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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