Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
