drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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