So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
