genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
