I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
