eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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