don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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