my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
