Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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