Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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