Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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