I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
