I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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