Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
