its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
