Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
