I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
