if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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