I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
