I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I look better un-naked...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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