i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
