shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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