Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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