my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
