Don't make out with my wife yet
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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