I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
