omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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