It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
