Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize