I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We just shotgunned beers for America
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
