Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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