Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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