just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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