I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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