On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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