I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
