Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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