btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
