Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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