see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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