i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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