Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
