I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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