If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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